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| Me questioning and thinking, I spend a lot of time in my head! |
I struggle because I keep reading about how you should keep creating every day even when you are not inspired. It is not a lack of inspiration with me just a sense of overwhelm where I can not figure out how to fit art into the mix.
My normal pattern is to work, work, work on my various community organizing and art business stuff along with juggling finances without adequate resources. Eventually I hit the burn out place where I need to shut down and clear some psychic energy through creating art. Unfortunately right now I can not find my way back to creating art.
I have this vision of lowers filling a crater which came after I heard the growth on my eyelid was benign skin cancer. I felt like this thing on my face had burst forth into an overgrowth which made me think of my wild out of control yard. Even with all the limitations placed on me since the surgery to remove "my overgrowth" I can't make myself sit still and create this piece of art.
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| Gil "the boyfriend" and I 4 or 5 years ago |
Then there is the overgrowth I mentioned in my yard, this is taking up tremendous space in my mind. My housemate/6 year committed relationship is moving to follow his dream of a very late career shift from electrical engineering to lab science I feel pushed into some tough decisions because even though he told me this was coming I did not make realistic financial plans for survival.
Selling my home means I have to clean out 12 years of overgrowth in "stuff" and deal with the yard of overgrowth.
Yes I can get another roommate and limp along with my leaking roof and foundation until hopefully "he" returns to Portland and we can start a new life together. I am getting clear that it is time to step out and stop the $ bleeding of an old house from my former life when I had a good paying job. I love the familiarity of my home but I can not afford it and am hoping for enough equity to downsize into an artist loft http://milepost5.net/lofts/photos/. What a huge change that has to happen ASAP.
It is also time to stop waiting for the relationship to provide a stabilizing presence "he" lives a life where a house and family have never been his priority. I have watched so many others work through these really difficult transitions and have been here before but somehow it has me paralyzed right now.
How do people work and function when they are having health complications and major loss all at once? I know artist are suppose to take the pain and chaos and transform through artistic expression but that has never been my intent. I think it often happens with us intuitive artist yet art as therapy usually takes distance and time for reflection with me.
Action always makes me feel less stuck so maybe after writing this or meeting with my friends for brainstorming an action planning enough space will be cleared for art to come back.
I really am curious how do others process through the hard times and stay on track?
Well, I don't have something useful to offer on processing through the hard times and staying on track because I sometimes don't have a good sense of myself or a good memory of what I've done. But I can tell you that anyone who's told you that an artist SHOULD anything or in any way wrote that without meeting you. Someone who can define all artists or what all art is, is coming from some bizarre place of privilege in feeling like it's possible--or even OK--to define others. You haven't had five seconds to yourself to process any of this, and it keeps piling on. I imagine that once some of these things begin to settle, you'll have the space to create. Right now, survival mode.
ReplyDeleteAnd unrelatedly: I am THE best purger of stuff in my family. I'm sometimes called on to clean out the overgrowth in family members' closets and drawers. You know where to find me if I can assist. :)
Should really do go against my grain but as the next person was talking about doing something creative might help. I think even writing this blog was my attempt to free up some energy.
DeleteI think not trying to create my normal art but just doing something crafty is an order. I can sit on the porch in the shade and spray paint old coasters that I want to make into magnets.
Mindless is good sometimes, art does not always have to be an endeavor.
Thanks Cheryl I really do struggle with shoulds and always wanting to do more as a person and an artist. I suspect many of us do!
I too, get into those spaces where reality of where I am (financially, physically) and where my future (healthy financially & physically) collide and get to overwhelmed to create. I find, though that creating something, anything during that time IS the best way to get "un-stuck".... Instead of creating to add to my inventory though, I will create something as a gift, or color with my kids, something that frees the creative in me with out the pressure to "perform" or "bring income", something that may not even fit within my "normal" medium of creating, that brings a flood of imagination that I can tap into! I can totally relate to the overwhelm/out-of-control feeling that comes with threatened finances and disrupted home life, not to mention family ties & relationships. It is okay to take a break, but for creatives I think it cancause more harm than good to let that break continue... just my humble thoughts <3
ReplyDeleteOvashti, the working outside of my medium is brilliant! I am realizing that part of the feeling stuck is about feeling the need to create from my visions but those pieces need more gestation so they can be born in optimal circumstances. When I start cutting before I am ready what I produce feels flat, forced and lifeless to me.
DeleteThe paper calls but not for work just for the familiarity of losing myself in the cutting.
Thank you for the humble thoughts!